A Serpentine Style
by screamsevi
Summary: Oneshot: Omnipotent Severus describes himself. It appears that the snarky bat of the dungeons has a sense of humor after all...


1. I always wanted a sibling, someone I could play with and tell secrets to.

When I was younger, I would have even accepted a squib child as a brother or sister, just for that eternal bond of family. I used to watch children playing together at the park, wishing that I had someone to push me on the swings. But no. I was sheathed in loneliness.

2. My hair is not actually that greasy.

Oh sure, it was when I was a teenager, but then again, show me an adolescent whose hair _isn't_ greasy. No, once I became the potions master, I devoted some of my (scarce) free time to create a new gel that would make my hair silky instead of greasy. Of course, I was cursed with having straight black hair, so the effects of the gel made it appear shiny, and thus greasy looking.

My attempt at finally garnering the approval of others was in vain...

3. I'm not entirely sure when I fell in love with Lily.

As I'm sure most people know, I'm not a sentimental man; I don't keep track of superfluous details. Nevertheless, I do remember the day I realized that dunderhead James Potter not only loved Lily also, but that he was actually my _competition_ for her affections_._

How anyone as moronic as James Potter could compete with me still leaves me baffled.

4. Ever since I was a child, I dreamed of becoming a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

The subject inspired me, it made me happy. When Dumbledore blatantly refused to give me the position, I was crushed. But I made myself recover quickly, and instead, vied for my second favorite job: that of the potions professor. While I had no great love for sitting besides a cauldron for hour after tedious hour, potions had been Lily's favorite class, and I felt closer to her whenever I was brewing.

5. Lily actually did forgive me for calling her a mudblood.

It took a few years for her to see past my so-called audacious crime, but eventually, she began to let go of her hatred and learned to forgive. Unfortunately for me, by that point she had already married Potter...

6. I wanted to murder Sirius Black.

After I learned that _he_ was the one who gave up Lily's secret, all I could think of was how I could sneak into Azkaban and off him without anyone noticing. When he escaped, it was like a blessing in disguise. I would finally get my revenge. I would kill Sirius Black.

When I learned that it was, in fact, Pettigrew that had given up Lily and Potter, a part of me was disappointed. How I would have loved to get back at Black for everything he did to me during my childhood.

Damn.

7. I will admit now that I made a mistake in originally joining the Death Eaters.

One might say that it was a hell of a mistake to make, but no one has a perfect record. Some people cheat in school, some get pregnant young, others abuse spells and substances. Despite all of the nasty stories that went around saying I was a demon that rose from deep in the earth, I _was_ human. I made mistakes. Mine just happened to be a little more severe than others.

8. While I may not have been the most sought-after bachelor in all of England, I was not celibate in any way.

I could still get plenty of women if I wanted to, and before the rumors begin no, I wouldn't have to pay them or use a love potion. While I may not be the nicest person at Hogwarts, I could be quite charming when I wanted to be. Of course, I knew that I would never marry. My heart belonged to Lily, and Lily alone.

Nevertheless, I still had plenty of women in my time. Hopefully, this admission will quell the tales that I would be a much nicer person if I would just "get laid."

9. I never really wanted to die.

Oh sure, I had assumed that the Dark Lord would turn on me eventually, and it's true that I probably could have stocked my robes with hundreds of different antidotes for when that happened, but I felt as if that would be cheating. The Dark Lord's victims never had time to prepare. Lily never got any forewarning. So why should I stock my robes with cures? No, I was going to live by my wits and hope that was enough.

After all, if there was anyone cunning enough to survive with limited resources, it was me...

10. Even though I'm post-mortem, I was still horrified to hear that Potter gave his second son my name.

I don't know _what _was running through the daft boy's head. I never liked him, never wanted to be anywhere near him, never wanted to be linked with a _Potter_. The thought of associating myself with the spawn of the man who stole Lily from me... And yet my first name now serves as his son's middle name. I am, in essence, now a Potter, too.

Oh, the irony.

* * *

So here is my lovely Snape oneshot! This was done for the 10 Facts Challenge over at the HPFFC forum. I really hope that you enjoyed this! If you did, then you should check out my other oneshot concerning Snape entitled Fireflies. For those of you who read Trouble, I'll be updating it sometime this weekend.

So please make my day and RER: Read it, Enjoy it, Review it... And I Love it! Really, I do.

Lurve,

-Selene


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